Wow, guess whattttt.
I heard a piece of information from my friend.. and tadaaaa, all that heart aches( no longer ache now ) were for nothingggggg.

Love, seems so difficult and far away from my mundane life..
since the class outing, i've been really confused,then frustrated then annoyed, then sad and now lifeless. I get heartaches every now and then, it feels as if i've really fell for him. But he wouldnt talk to me or try out something. Friends says that he likes me, but doesnt have the courage to confess. i understand that that courage isn't easy to build up but, i'm waiting. i really am. i hope he does confess to me.
my heart aches so badly. and im so upset the whole of today and last night after hearing the news. No one understands, even my closest sister, but it isn't her fault for not understanding what i am going through.. because i myself don't know what the heck i want. i kind of know what i want now but it isn't coming true , so i really dont know what to do from now on. Just tell me ! I want to hear it from you, personally, not from others..

Im a changed person

Im a changed person, i really dont care what other's think about me.
Even if, you're my dad, my friends or teachers, i really dont care about your opinions on my personal self.
My beliefs and principles are as strong as err... .. .. you get it.
I respect chinese. you say i dont. OK.
I like my earring, i think i look nice with it. you guys said i dont suit the earring and should change it. OK, im not changing it. a beautiful earring given to me by my best friend, and it's uglyy? UGLY? HAHA OK i think, your eyes got chop stamp.
im working hard for studies, you dont see what im doing. say im wasting my time . OK
im rsting, because im tired of too much work. i'll continue ltr. say im slacking. OH YES IM SLACKING, then what ?! Obviously im not studying for that 5mins ?
your ear got water inside ah ?
HAH

Overwhelming week.

Just told my dad, ' im retaking my O lvl chinese'. He started saying that :
- i dont repect chinese
- i look down on chinese
-im born a chinese but want to be another race.
-he had already noticed all of the above before i took exams
-he already knew i wasnt going to do well
- he did his best to help me
-practically, im a disgrace.
-a lot more which i didnt hear because i closed the toilet door and on the water so i wouldnt hear him.

if i continued listening, i would have burst. burst, as in, talk back to him and say all the bad stuff sarcastic-ly, which i didnt want to, so i closed the door.

didnt go to night study today as i wanted to come home and rest so i could start work at home, turns out, just because i said that im retaking, and he said it so heartlessly without even caring whether how i would feel. moreover, im sad enough. adding salt to my wound, seems to be my dad's favourite activity since he always does it. his words were so hurtful. perhaps, he dont know me well. (thats why im here, not studying)

I've always respected chinese language and love CL.
I've always admired those chinese philosophers and all those famous chinese people, who are in history books rn.
I've always been proud to be a chinese, had never thought of being another race, or even being korean.

If he already knew i wasnt going to do well, why didnt he stop all the nonsense he had with mum so i could study better ? that would be of so much help ! but it didnt happen.
IM NOT A DISGRACE. I know i worked hard for my Chi Os so i didnt regret much, just that now that i know i could get a better grade if i put in more effort, i want to try for a second time.

Retaking Chi Os doesnt mean i failed it, it just means i want to do better.why did he have to say such hurtful things?
He's done it toooo overboard.
---
Had been really busy the past few weeks trying to accomplish as much as i possibly could. Mrs Ang just keeps giving us worksheets and revision stuff, it's so much to do ! my friends and i feel that we've spent too much time on chemistry on a weekly average. and i agree. i've been trying to improve my chemistry so much now that i neglected other subjects. need to find time buy time. Mrs Ang pushinggg ussss a litttttle too far.
I need time for my Amath, emath, bio, SS and english, POA's fine to me.
juggle juggle juggle time.
i planned not to go to night study so often as everyday anymore. it's draining me out, squeezing all my last bit of brain juice. gonna come home to do work i guess. after nightstudy , i come home and im dead beat. soo.. im not gonna go as often already !
'\z-z/'

byeee.
O LEVEL IN 54DAYS.

lacking behind, a lot.

So much to rant about, yet nothing's on my mind right now.

sing alongg

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now.~  No idea why, but everytime you ask me to sing a song for you just because you want to listen to how my singing voice is like, i really dont mind doing it but im just too shy to sing . with my girls, im fine but not infront of, a guy. im really, really curious, why is it that you kept asking me to sing but since ive known you for like, almost a decade now, i dont mind and quite, i mean, quiteee , comfortable to sing but i shy, and scared kena judged hahaha. we'll see. how things goes. ~and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind.  its a quarter after one, im a little .. and i need you now~ -need you now

to the siao h2h bijs

HEYYY siakcy crazy bitches !!!! ^^ WATCHIN ME ? MOO HAHA HAHA HAHA. okaylameeeee i know how all your faces will look like. BUT OHWELL IM HOLDING MY PEE AND HUNGRYNESS AND WANNA BATHNESS IN JUST TO TYPE THIS HAHAHAA WELCOME BIJS. HEHE

Hide and seek [fail]

I don't know why but i do have a feeling you know who i am after i gave you the "vase" clue but you seem to be clueless about my existence, or perhaps just dont want to let me know that you already knew. But thats okay ! I dont mind that either. Hahaa, just that i'll have to on computer every single time i wanna check the chatbox. A little troublesome than texting but i guess that's still fineeee ^^
But seriously if you went to google translation of "vase" then i guess your chinese is really baddddddd badddddddddd !. Hmmph, by the way.. I really just do hope to become friends again and help you out cause you always seem to have so much hidden inside and have no one to pour out. Me too ! So youre not alone ! However i see you've got lotsa friends but you always seem to be on the phone. sighpieee, look around you dude !

Goodnight owls.

I need to help myself, and my family. II guess, i'll be finding Mrs Sherry soon. or call Touchline.

It's such a depressing thing for me to know in the morning, once i open my eyes, i see that the sky is bright, not dark. Indicates that it's passed 7am and i'm freaking late. Being late is such a annoyance to me now, than it used to be. I wouldn't even want to go to school when i know i'm late, but what else could i do, every lesson is precious to me now. I cant even afford to miss one lesson because in that 50mins, the teachers talks about  a lot of stuff, and i'll be missing them out if i don't attend class.

Cried so many times today in school, i mean, a lot a lot. 
When Ms Wong came over to me in the morning at parade square, kind of teared but sucked it in.
During Bio lesson pouring out to Yvette, and then Anna.
When I spoke to Ms Lim about the detention and extra lesson crash.
When I looked for Mr Shafie and got shouted at.
When Ms Wong spoke to me again.
When Ms Lim spoke to me thereafter.
Going back class from general office during lunch
In class.
Starting POA lesson
Mid of POA lesson, twice.
ending of POA lesson.
End of POA lesson when Ms Lim canceled the extra lesson which made me cry for nothing at alllllll.
Thinking about stressful syf and studies clash. 

I mean, look, dont even count how many times i teared or cried.
Afraid that the slight depression is gonna come back to haunt me. 
I dont want.
I want to change.
But no one's there to guide me.
So how ?


I cant even control whether my ears are gonna hear the alarms in the morning

No one

I really don't know who is willing to help me if my own parents dont want to support me.

Ba Ba Black Sheep

Hello ! :D
Long time no blog once again ~
Exams are finally over, school "ended" for holidays but for us sec 3s, we still have bridging prog. However kinda excited for bridging prog cause we're gonna do loads of practical ^^ both bio and chem. Actually, im still hesitating if i should drop to combine science cause, the paper is like so freaking easy to score i dont even know how people can fail them :x sorry if offensive.

I can atleast get an A for combine im sure. But tuition teacher say i can pass at Sec3 very good le .
Failed Amaths and humanities. wtf. Ohh, Mrs Teo said if fail SS = no employers will want you. I wanted to ask her if i go be nurse i need SS is it ? Or vet, or researcher, i need memorize SS is it ? LOLOLOL ^^ But i did ask her what course in poly need SS one, and like eg i want take veterinary bioscience need SS ? She's like tio shock and say some courses need, you have to go find.. wtf im not taking like some history based researcher or smth right. She cant even tell me a course that needs SS.. -.-

WOOTS
Today's Hari Raya Haji holiday ! Practically wasted my whole day mapling ~ o.0 haha and doing whatever useless stuff like watching REVAMP on WeTv. It's a nice meaningful show though , made me cried a lot. Hahh, sometimes its good to relieve some stress by crying. It's not like illegal or anything.
-Listening to Give Your Heart a Break-
"The day i first met you, you told me "we'll never fall in love" . but now i that, i get you, i dont feel that was what it really was " - BABY IM NOT LIKE THE REST.

Haahahha .

Anyws, did my hair just now, in french braides from top of the head and it looks AWESOME OMG. hahaha dk if can wear this outside cause im pretty sure the back of the head is messyyy ~ Lalala supposed to be messy anyws. who cares, i like worh ^^ kakaka~kekeke~ Did a huge bun today and mum said " is that fake hair ? " i said no, and asked why . She answered " why your real hair so black one.?! " LOLOLOLOLOL HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA :)

Abnormal?

I don't understand why I click well and better with non-elite students and friends and understand them easier than those of elite students. Perhaps because i've been through some of the worse classes in both primary school and secondary school?  
When I was Primary 3, i was in one of the last few classes , and looked down upon. But subsequently, I guess now i'm in a not-bad state in my class (: Proves that I can be either somewhat elite and non-elite. 
Hahhhh. Feel like i'm coming back to blogging. Hais, this little .. ! tablemate of mine making me to come back. Hahaha, but i like the feeling of coming back to blogging. (: Saying things and expressing what I usually can't say infront of others or on twitter. 
Haengbokanda. (:

BYEEE ^^

Can't believe.

Can't believe what I did today. Hahahah told a guy about my small secret. Really didn't imagine that I'll tell a guy about these things which I usually only do among my girl friends :) hahah, Lev ! If you're seeing this.. If. I DELETED THE IMPORTANT POST THAT YOU WANTED TO SEE HAHAHAAA ONLY FASHA KNOWS ! YAYYY ! ^^


Good day. Bye.

Awkwardness

Heylooo ~
School's going to start soon, again. Once again, we'll all be back to our seats and listen to class... yes. The Seat. I don't know why but i'm usually awkward around boys. Hah, maybe i don't look it ? , but yes i am, struggling to even talk. Sit beside confirm cannot don't talk right, especially group discussion. Only those that have the probability of me falling for him, i'll be awkward.
The most awkward thing is.. Our school uniform.
It sucks. SUCKBIGTIME.
Not that i'm a pervert of what, but i've seen other girls' tummy or you-know-what through the gaps of the buttons . When we sit or bend, the gaps naturally opens up and at a specific angle you can see inside...
Hais, thats why i keep pulling my shirt.. BECAUSE I HAVE THE RIGHT AS A GIRL, NO , AS A HUMAN TO PROTECT MYSELF. Haishhhh.
If i sit with girls, i dont even care cause we have same things. 

Anywayyyy ~ Sitting at that seat, not that i hate it and wanna change place, but i wanna switch place, with him. Atleast it's Fasha,  it's okay. ^^
Hais, even talking is awkward. Awkward with boys > awkward with protecting myself > awkward to talk > super freaking awkward when sitting together.
zzz
Anyway.. i just woke up, and did this post. Because i dreamt of him. Hahh, perhaps it's mah brain reminding me school's reopening  so the awkwardness shall be back. 

Kumaowo. <: nbsp="nbsp">




-----------
Ohh, but no. I'm not having a crush on my pig tablemate even though i dreamt of him. Ok. byee ^^

Psst.

Hello !
Have been slacking quite a lot these few days. Watching dramas and sleeping. Throwing homework aside.
It kind of got me wondering why so many people are joining Twitter. And Fasha, yes, him. But who cares , 'cause what you said that time was right i guess. I have no feelings for him, just for that slight second of thought maybe. Haha, now , I found someone more cute and attractive than him.  Much better i guess. But also not like like him. Just the attractiveness caught my eyes. Hah, life's interesting. The feeling is good when you dont have anyone in mind, anyone you like. It frees me. haha , is there such word as "frees"..

#nowplaying Complete- Snsd

Dad just bought a new notebook for his use and my use. Sharing it since once im going polytechnic, i'll get another one. Not bad actually now that im using it, but the keyboard's so cramp and kind of not adapted to using notebook again since it has been a long time i used one.
Was shocked to see Bryankok,Mayor and idk who else at COMEX yesterday yesterday. Kind of terrified cause they look all so gangster.'\(._.)/`

Hands healing just fine ^^

Not shy to say, im really quite interested in make-up. Cosmetics and make-up, beauty products and hair-dos. Hahaa, say that im vain whatsoever. Im just really interested in them. How magical that a girl can doll up herself and look like another person, and complete different person. It's cool. How it can boost a person's self-esteem and confidence to present himself/herself to the world.
I've never really confide into anyone about my interest to make-up. Except my family knows. I do make-up on my mum when she goes for dinners, or special events, teach her about the application and crap like that. 'Cause she doesnt really know even though she says she does, and learnt them before.
For me, i learnt all of them from the internet, not only youtube but other video websites too. From professionals like Michelle Phan. I observe how she do her tutorials and learn about beauty tricks (although i never try them ). I just did a simple application of BB Cream on my sis today.
It's so much fun ! Plus, i really like dolling-up. Just that i dont want to act like im 19+ or like a woman when im only  young teen. I still want to remain like a chilish girl, and not act like a mature lady on the outside when the inside is like a 13 year old.
To be compared with others, im actually over, over mature.  Perhaps because of the family im in. :) im grateful though, for all the knowledge i learn from all these shortcomings. I've became more sensitive and considerate than who i actually should be. Reckless and wild. Haha.


Such a long post. But.. it's been a long time, so .. YUPS GOODBYE. <3 p="p">
p/s: The reed-hat guy on Chilwu the mighty on KBS WORLD , so freaking hot. omg. ^^

A post only dedicated for you.

Okay, I know like the title sounds alittle mushy and girlfriend-boyfriend kind but seriously hell no. It's for a lovely girlfriend of mine.

So yeah.
To this friend of mine,
I hope you'll know that I'll be always there for you. I mean of course i wont be able to be literally there for  you when you need me, but i'll be there in terms of mental support okay ? I know how it feels when you feel like there's no one there for you, because i've been through it. Except, boy-girl relationship cause i never had one. If it's family and money and stuff like that, tell me, just to share your worries. I might even be able to help.. maybe.. x)
Hahas, but anyways.. you still really don't know a lot about me.. mostly, my family. 
Anyways, you didnt tell me you've got a part-time job. ! Your job seems to be interesting! Makeup for it.. and play with kids probably ? Your job supposed to be a fun and happy thing, like cheering people up. Make other's life a little more happy. But infact.. you're like really emotional and sad inside. I don't like the you in your blog. You're always so happy-go-lucky when in school .. I didn't know you have a.. from what i see.. alittle not supportive family.. correct me if im wrong. Your sis. Ask her to do the stuff seriously. She has a life and YOU HAVE A LIFE TOO. Like hello ? You maid ah ?
And... I see that you want all of the knowledge in this world. No, you wont. Not everything is worth knowing. The world may become a worse place in your mind when you know it. It may change your opinion of everyone, become too cautious around everyone, afraid of the world, you may not thought about it.. change your character.. like.. WHAT IF YOU BECOME A TERRORIST ?! You'll kill me too ! Or nuclear bomb the whole world... T_T dontt...

Okay blog again next time.. my sis need to bring the com out le. hehe. BYESS. Cheerup babe. <3 font="font">

After so longg..

I'm probably back to blogging. All because of this little girl ^^ you know who you are. That'll be the only one reading this blog already , cos its dead like so freaking long. 

Recently, like the day before , I once again finally had the time to visit my favourite place, Changi Airport ! Went there to the viewing mall to shop around the gallery and i sat at the viewing gallery for a long time. Just watching the aeroplanes land , and reading a book that a friend reccomended. But hell yea, didnt manage to read much since I'm not fond of reading books. AT ALL. Hate reading. x.x

When I finally got up from the seat and begin to move on, i stopped and shopped at the "Street" designed like one, with all expensive artsy stuff there. Sooo pretty and elegant. But super expensive. Very scared that i'll knock one down. Haha. And here comes the forever-stalking-teenagers-or-non-adults staff.. DO I LOOK LIKE I WANNA STEAL? Like seriously, fuckoff . I'm happy enjoying looking at the art pieces and here you go stalking me. URGHH.

Haha, okay. THE END. ^^

Quotes learned from the artsy pieces :

If cats are able to talk, they will be purrrfect.

The more I see men, the more I admire dogs.

Recents of #imsiao

It's actually quite hard to get by, when the person you crushed on is from another class and you're not going to that class frequently. I kinda hate this feeling. It's such a faraway crush thing. No interaction whatsoever and that sucks.
I miss him so easily and so very often .
这种感觉好讨人厌。我有时会一直很想看到他但是我都每有机会去他班。。。
Best friend sits right beside him, 2by2 seating arrangement. And just nice she sit with him. I want to get many many many chance to go her class to fetch her instead, not only because I want to see him but also I don't like the feeling of being left out. Like they're always the ones coming to our class and we're forever delaying their time. I rather we take turns to go each others class and also know who are the friends they are making with.
I just hate it when only one person do their part and the rest just sits by and do nothing. I wanna fetch them from their class then to recess too.. I don't want them to always rush and come our class. Even when I insisted on fetching best friend, she just keeps insisting she'll be the one to come my class instead. I'm like not doing my part and I hate the feeling. Anyway I really want to have and get chances to see him more often as well. Can't concentrate in class.. And what I do is that I start to tell people I like him.
I'm siao. Yes , it's #yousiao ? On twitter. Kns. Can tweet about him also, got his classmates following me. Also I don't dare to add him on Facebook . Zzz. I cowarddddd! But I hope eventually we will become friends. :)
And yes, I HOPE FOR CHINESE PROJECTS AND TEACHER GROUPS US TOGETHER bwahahahahah ! Me evil evil !
Okay can, type so long le haha, but didn't use much time . Kay, goodbyeee ^^
<3

P/s: Urgh so jealous of gf get to sit with him ! But his class so many flirt plus chiobu confirm me no chance de hahaha LOL. Kay whatever what am I talking kns. Change class with gf ! Take her seat muhahahahaha , just joking .. :( will never happen . Only hope : Chinese lessons ^^

No one's gonna visit my blog so, all the crap can all come out now ~

 Here it goes .

You don't have to bang everything back onto the shelf to show that you're angry. I drank the medicine. I didn't have too much or too little sleep. I just merely forgotten how to draw the prescribed lines on the bottle. I didn't want to run away so quickly, it was because mummy everytime she only ask me to draw lines, not to help with the tablets. Even when she does, she tells me exactly what to do before hand and guide me along even though i've been helping out for so long. You didn't tell me what i am needed for or guide me. You just simply expected that i know everything, have super good memory, able to remember so many things that you said, this with this, and that , then this with that and that for this, and i should know how to do it like a pro.

I didn't know what to do after breakfast and all i wanted to do was to sleep for a short while more then start homework since i wasted yesterday. But in the middle of my morning sleep, you coughed so badly, i had to wake up to check on you. I was concerned. But then i got giddy when i stand up too fast, i always do and you never did anything to help.You scolded me for something i hadn't realise and something that i am not sure about. You started scolding me so badly and banging everything while making medicine for me, and poured all the past times out and scolded so badly. You even used vulgars, but for that, im used to it already. 

Friends used to not believe what i say about home, primary school friends, secondary , all. Because what you are doing to the family is unbelievable. They wouldn't believe i got dragged and carried up by the neck like an animal when i was 4. Getting caned when i was primary 1. Not getting money when i go out since primary 5. Now, i'm broke and the only people who really care is mummy and sis. You don't give a fuck. I'm always so terrified to be alone at home. Because i don't know when you will come home, and act up again.
 Your stare and glariiings just now just told me you wanted to bash me up. But right, you back everyone up when they irritate you or didnt even do a single fucking thing to harm or by accident did something so small, but angered you. You could have the power to just make everything so bigcase. It's a small matter, why take it to heart ? Why do you always blame something on us when its not our fault ? Whatever you do wrong, is our fault. Something we did extremely right and happy, is your credit. Whatthefuck is that logic ? 

Come to think of it, if i'd stop using the computer, you would have gone to those pages again. It's like so open. I snatch away, you wanna bash me up again.

I'm sorry i post this but i really can't take it anymore., any further. I had enough. I've always been strong, showed that i'm strong, even when im not, make time for others and not myself. Help cheer other people up. But what about myself ? No one cheers me up. Never, i can promise you, even if they did, it's only a few. like twice or 3 times in my life ? For exams matters or something. Not personal stuffs. I can't stay so strong forever. I'm not made of steel, no feelings, hard and stable. Nowadays, i don't know what had gotten into me that i always feel so lonely and down. Simply put it this way, I'm no longer strong and is about to collapse anywhere. I just cried.